I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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