Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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