It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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