mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize