She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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