my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
