"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
how drunk are you?
Several
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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