so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
