Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
