I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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