Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
