what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
