Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
