help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
