I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
