i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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