Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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