I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Found your dick twin last night
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
