two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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