In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
