We won't sleep together?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
