i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
