I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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