when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
