I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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