At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
