You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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