I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
