Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
