My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
this beer tastes like vomit already
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Drake has all the answers
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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