I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
