I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Dignity is for republicans.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
