what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
should my penis look like a turkey
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
