do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
