Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
