Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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