Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
