he wants to bone in the snuggie
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
