Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
