If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
