i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
