Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
