DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
