he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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