do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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