I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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