Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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