I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
it glows. i had to have it.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
