wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize