I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
