I can text with my tongue
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I smell like Dick and happiness
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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