the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
