His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
