I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
