dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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