Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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