I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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