So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
